KANO CATCH-ALL I'M SAD

[robopriest]

I'M SO SAD

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w1 post trial

[robopriest]

[Of course he's coming to see Kano. After something like that...how could he not?]

[He stands straight, staring down at him. This shouldn't have happened. None of this should have happened, and yet...]

...Are you happy, Kano?

[suddenlybees]

[ NOAH'S ARC................ I'm also sad. Kano is lying on the ground with his hands folded over his stomach so he can stare up at Hansa while he looms over him. There is some sort of invisible barrier between them so looming doesn't have its full effect, but still. ]

...Not yet.

[robopriest]

[He places a hand forward on the invisible barrier, frowning, before he draws it away.]

Are you going to be happy when you're "removed"? Is that it?

[suddenlybees]

...Not in the way I thought I would be, but I guess. In a way.

[ His happiness relies on other people, those who aren't here, those he'll never be able to return to.

But there's some happiness to be found in death, too. He's jumping off the arc, and he gets to return to all those people he's left behind- who'd left him behind. ]

[robopriest]

And what about all the people you're leaving behind, here?

[What about the family, the rest of the animals on the ark?]

Do you care about anyone here?

[suddenlybees]

Yeah, but...

[ but it's with regrets, with the knowledge that he shouldn't care about anybody here, that it was a bad idea to care about anybody, knowing who he is and what he's like and what he has to do. ]

...not as much as the people I'm going back to. They're my family. I would do anything for them- absolutely anything.

[robopriest]

How do you know you're going back to them, Kano?

[His question is pressing, but at the same time, gentle. Like a prodding. He'll give space for Kano to answer if he does or doesn't want to.]

Are they dead...? Are those the ones you were telling me about, before?

[suddenlybees]

[ The corner of his mouth twitches, like he wants to smile but can't, or wants to cry but refuses. He would have left it at that, if Hansa hadn't followed up, and when he does, Kano ducks his head. ]

My mother... and my mom and dad... my older sister. My other sister and brother will be there soon too.

[robopriest]

...I'm sorry that so much has been taken from you. And that so much will be taken from you.

["Will be there soon too"? His own gaze moves to the side, his expression serious.]

[He knows how its like, to lose everything.]

May I ask how it happened?

[suddenlybees]

[ ...it's hard to talk about it, even if he wanted to. None of these things are anything he's talked about extensively, and he fumbles trying to get the words out. ]

-—Murder. Accident. Suicide.

[ That's not all there is to it, but at the bare minimum, that's it. His precious people being taken away one by one- by other people, by chance, by themselves. ]

[robopriest]

How terrible.

[Pretty much everything across the board. Hansa hangs his head.]

Don't you think they'd want you to live?

[suddenlybees]

[ Of course they would. They'd want him to live a full and happy life, free of pain and struggle. It's just that the reality is not that. ]

To what end? How am I supposed to live without them?

[robopriest]

That's a question I asked myself over and over again, years ago. I was all alone for a while, you know. I had to live in the mountains. Everything was gone. My family, my friends, my entire clan, the village where I grew up with. Gone. I had to fend for myself, and steal food from the lynxes, and when I couldn't, I had to learn how to hunt.

[Sometimes, the world decides that you have to have nothing anymore. And you have to move on from that.]

And yet, I persisted. I don't even know how. I think I just became like an animal, and acted on instinct. It wasn't until Bishop Dilo found me, and brought me in, that I became something again.

[He stares at Kano for a long moment.]

The point is, Kano, you were only given one life. You could do anything with that life. And to throw it away is like throwing away a precious gift. Even if you feel all hope is lost, there will always be something for you. There will always be somebody for you. Look at what people have done for you. You can't just say that's nothing.

[suddenlybees]

Things can only get better, when you're at rock bottom, huh?

[ Logically, he knows all of this. That if he just hangs in there, things have to get better— they've got to get better- they just have to, even if he's been hanging on for five, ten years already and he's just so tired.

He's so, so sick and tired of existing. ]

Is it so bad to want to go home, and be with the people you love? [ More so than anybody else he'll ever find, he wants to be with the people he's already lost. Whether that's in heaven or in hell, he will be able to see them again, such is the afterlife he believes in. ]

[robopriest]

Its not like that.

[He says, his tone bordering on chiding. Its not about rock bottom, and then climbing up. What a defeating way to think of everything. Like life is just a struggle.]

[But that's how Kano sees the world, isn't it? After everything he's been through...]

It...it isn't. [Replies Hansa, quietly.] It's not bad at all to miss them. That makes you human. But they're in a different place, now. You don't belong there, with the life you have yet to live, you know? You can do a lot of good as you are now, for the people you care about here. Not there.

[suddenlybees]

[ Life is the pits and God is out to get him all the time, so what is even the point? ]

I get what you're saying, but... You're talkin' to a guy on death row, here, you know? What good can I even do now? I'm out of time...

[robopriest]

...

[It's true. Its not like his words are going to matter much in the long run. Just nice things for a priest to say to a kid who's one foot in the grave. And yet...]

There's a chance you won't actually go anywhere. "Removed" can mean many things. Sure, it might look real to us, but...

[It might be an illusion. Maybe they're all dreaming, and they're just waking up when the plug is pulled.]

Mm. Essentially...I wouldn't count your chances out just yet. But if it so happens that it is what it is...then may the good Lord see you on your way to your family as you wish.

[suddenlybees]

[ Dying but not disappearing... It's not impossible. It isn't even faith— it's fact, one that he knows has happened to many people over. His family... is not necessarily dead. They're just not here. ]

Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'm due for a pit stop somewhere tomorrow. I'll give that a shot. If not... I can escort myself to hell, thanks.

[robopriest]

You'd better give that a shot, Kano.

[And there's a sort of smirk on his face.]

Or else, I'll head over there somehow. I'll find a way, and when I do...well, I'll kick your ass. Got it?

[suddenlybees]

Yeah, yeah.

[ Him giving it a shot is him trying to murder Jeanne tomorrow, Hansa, please. ]

But if it's just the sweet oblivion of death that awaits me, I don't ever want to see your face ever again.

[ Don't you dare die too, Hansa. All these people telling Kano "We'll see each other again" and he's just "NO!!!!!" ]

[robopriest]

Haha. Well, I'm only human. Despite what my body is. I'll see the good Lord eventually.

[Yeah, Kano, ABOUT THAT ATTEMPTED MURDER THING]

[His smirk widens just a tad...before falling back into something more neutral. His dark blue eye stares down at Kano, as if to pin him here in place, like he would to a butterfly in a box.]

...Would you like me to pray for you, Kano?

[suddenlybees]

[ Look!!!! He had a Kagerou reason for the attempted murder u_u ]

No way. I don't want anything to do with God anymore. I'm through with Him.

[robopriest]

[what the hell is happening in kagerou]

...Hm. [He closes his eye briefly, nodding.] I see. What about your family? Do you want me to pray for them?

[suddenlybees]

[ Kano is a murderer actually ): ]

No. You tell God to leave me and my family alone.

[robopriest]

[this is the least surprising thing i have heard about kano honestly]

....Ha. [And he grins, that almost malicious grin, but its not directed really at Kano.] Is that so? Okay. Sure. But I hope that you can find your penance elsewhere, then. It would be a shame if you didn't.