It's the first thought that crosses through Siffrin's mind. They push through the compounded pain of their concussion, broken nose, and grief to twist their body and push Hansa down to the sand.
The second thought is
(That even if it is true, you'll make him realize what a mistake that is. There's no one as monstrous in this place as you, Siffrin.)
They're missing two knives. But they reach for the third one, and hold it against the man's throat. ]
Looks flimsy, doesn't it? But apparently I just have to think about hurting you, and I'll be able to. [ They smile. ] Do you want to say that again, Hansa? That I'm not a monster?
[Oh, there he goes, falling backwards, the rain now cascading on both of their forms. The crystal eye swivels to the plastic knife pressed against his throat, before staring up at the other's face.]
[So, so insistent. So so stubborn. It makes him want to laugh and cry all at the same time.]
[Instead, it all just comes out as a sigh.]
You're getting rain into my eye. The Church will send you a bill. They'll be so unhappy.
[He's not making a move to disarm him. Instead, he's just laying there, and he's......]
[He's exhausted.]
[So many just died right now, and Siffrin is like this, and he's tired. He's so tired.]
Well, I'll throw it back to you. Do you want to say I'm not a monster? I just have to think about hurting you, and I'll be able to. What makes me different than you?
[ Siffrin straddles him, leaning down. Is it better now, Hansa, now that his hat and head are covering you from the rain? ]
Because I know you're a good person. Which is why you continue trying to reach out to me. A foolish mistake, but it's one that a good person would make.
[ They press the knife closer, but nothing happens beyond the usual prickle of a plastic knife on skin.
That's right. Hansa is a good person. He may have been considered a monster before, but he has a home, people who cared for him and who he cares for as well. As for Siffrin? He's empty and rotten. No roots, no past, and he ended up trapping the few people that came to care for him in a time loop because he was too scared to leave them behind.
(Hansa may be made of metal, but ultimately your flesh and blood means nothing when your heart is an empty void. All you do is take and take and take, by making people feel sorry for you. After all it's sooo hard being you, isn't it? Unable to remember your home, unable to remember your family, friends, customs ANYTHING AT ALL, REALLY. And now, you're even stuck in a time loop of your own creation because you're too cowardly to ask for help.
You hope Hansa hurts you. You hope he rips you apart. Because then he will realize just how rotten you truly are.) ]
[The hat and head is better, actually. Hansa's eye flicks up, then focuses on the other again. The knife is like a little tickle. This is nothing.]
[He thinks for a moment, before he starts-]
Okay. So.
[Another pause.]
Should I leave, then? I'll leave you alone, forever. And you'll have no one to talk to. I mean, you're the type of person who probably has talked to himself for years. Over and over. So who am I to intrude on that? Really. That's rude of me, isn't it? I'm a downright bastard. So....alright. I'll go.
[He is moving, now, finally, shifting up with Sifrrin on him. Right now, planning to go. Why not? He knows when he isn't welcome.]
[ Siffrin feels their breath catch in their chest, tight like noose. Moving back along with Hansa, they stare at the priest with expression that they wouldn't be able to name if they saw it on themselves in a mirror.
(Alone?
You can't be left alone.
Not again.
Not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again.)
They
grab onto Hansa's wrist.
Without a sense of touch, it's difficult to measure how much pressure they're using to grip him. But between the fear in his heart that feels like being plunged in ice, and their desperation for any sort of warmth, it's probably not a light grasp. ]
[...That was cruel of him. He knows that was a sore spot, and he dug in knowing it would hurt.]
[So he accepts the tight grip. It's paltry punishment for kicking a man when they're down. Siffrin reacts as expected. He knows them too well at this point.]
[Which is why its important for him to make things right. Hansa stares for a moment-
before he wraps his other arm around their shoulders to pull them down against him in a tight embrace. He's not even thinking of the knife, anymore.]
...I'm sorry. I won't. I won't go. Believe me or don't. But it doesn't change anything about hoe I feel. You might as well wish for water to stop being wet. Okay?
lets go of the knife. It falls on the sand and barely makes a sound.
Hansa holds him, and the only reason they know that it’s a tight embrace is because they can’t move away from him. So, trembling, they accept the hug and reciprocate it as if Hansa were going to disappear like sea foam, and bury their head in his shoulder. ]
I am a monster, Hansa.
[ A useless warning when they don’t want to let go. ]
[ That's right. Siffrin stole their agency, their free will, and treated them like actors in a play, with himself as its crappy director. Stuck in time because they were too afraid to move on.
(You really are the worst, aren't you? At least everyone knows what the King is doing but you don't even give your family members the blessing of knowing about it. You took that chance away from them, too.
As long as they stuck to the script, it was fine. Even if it was torture for you, it was fine, so long as you could stay with them.
Horrible. Disgusting. They'll hate you if they find out.) ]
I know that.
[ But Siffrin did it anyway. And he's not sure if he wouldn't want to do it again, if faced with the situation. ]
I know that you know. You can move forward with that knowledge in yourself.
[That regret. That shame. That want to never hurt anyone like that ever again.]
That's the worst part, I think. Moving forward. But we have to.
[Life forces them forward. No looking back. Orpheus got the worst outcome of that, in that old myth. Hansa himself was the Chariot - he couldn't sit in the ruins of his old village and let the past grow over him like mold. Forward. Always forward.]
[ Do they have to? Do they, really???? And where would they go to? Forward can mean anywhere, but as far as Siffrin sees it, he's The Fool walking blindly off the cliff and into the abyss.
(You
envy Hansa's bravery. You wish you had his strength, you wish you had his confidence, you wish... you could rip those traits from him and wear it like a skin on top of your own.)
But they are themselves (whoever that is, haha!) and that means that they have to be afraid of even the idea of people moving on without them.
They pull back just slightly from the embrace, enough to look up at Hansa. His face hurts, his head hurts, it's cold, and their eye burns with tears that don't want to spill. They never do. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ Siffrin freezes, their eye wide open in shock and their breath caught in their chest.
Were they that easy to see through? What would Hansa think of them, if they knew the depths of their own self hatred?
Their hands shake and they have to hold back their tears. ]
I don't... that's not... [ Breathe, Siffrin. ] That's not true.
no subject
[A little sound escapes his mouth, almost like the beginning of a laugh that simply exhales without completing itself.]
That just means I'll have to remind you at every turn. That you're not the worst. And nothing you do will make me stop thinking that.
no subject
It's the first thought that crosses through Siffrin's mind. They push through the compounded pain of their concussion, broken nose, and grief to twist their body and push Hansa down to the sand.
The second thought is
(That even if it is true, you'll make him realize what a mistake that is. There's no one as monstrous in this place as you, Siffrin.)
They're missing two knives. But they reach for the third one, and hold it against the man's throat. ]
Looks flimsy, doesn't it? But apparently I just have to think about hurting you, and I'll be able to. [ They smile. ] Do you want to say that again, Hansa? That I'm not a monster?
no subject
[So, so insistent. So so stubborn. It makes him want to laugh and cry all at the same time.]
[Instead, it all just comes out as a sigh.]
You're getting rain into my eye. The Church will send you a bill. They'll be so unhappy.
[He's not making a move to disarm him. Instead, he's just laying there, and he's......]
[He's exhausted.]
[So many just died right now, and Siffrin is like this, and he's tired. He's so tired.]
Well, I'll throw it back to you. Do you want to say I'm not a monster? I just have to think about hurting you, and I'll be able to. What makes me different than you?
no subject
Because I know you're a good person. Which is why you continue trying to reach out to me. A foolish mistake, but it's one that a good person would make.
[ They press the knife closer, but nothing happens beyond the usual prickle of a plastic knife on skin.
That's right. Hansa is a good person. He may have been considered a monster before, but he has a home, people who cared for him and who he cares for as well. As for Siffrin? He's empty and rotten. No roots, no past, and he ended up trapping the few people that came to care for him in a time loop because he was too scared to leave them behind.
(Hansa may be made of metal, but ultimately your flesh and blood means nothing when your heart is an empty void. All you do is take and take and take, by making people feel sorry for you. After all it's sooo hard being you, isn't it? Unable to remember your home, unable to remember your family, friends, customs ANYTHING AT ALL, REALLY. And now, you're even stuck in a time loop of your own creation because you're too cowardly to ask for help.
You hope Hansa hurts you. You hope he rips you apart. Because then he will realize just how rotten you truly are.) ]
no subject
[The hat and head is better, actually. Hansa's eye flicks up, then focuses on the other again. The knife is like a little tickle. This is nothing.]
[He thinks for a moment, before he starts-]
Okay. So.
[Another pause.]
Should I leave, then? I'll leave you alone, forever. And you'll have no one to talk to. I mean, you're the type of person who probably has talked to himself for years. Over and over. So who am I to intrude on that? Really. That's rude of me, isn't it? I'm a downright bastard. So....alright. I'll go.
[He is moving, now, finally, shifting up with Sifrrin on him. Right now, planning to go. Why not? He knows when he isn't welcome.]
no subject
(Alone?
You can't be left alone.
Not again.
Not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again not again.)
They
grab onto Hansa's wrist.
Without a sense of touch, it's difficult to measure how much pressure they're using to grip him. But between the fear in his heart that feels like being plunged in ice, and their desperation for any sort of warmth, it's probably not a light grasp. ]
Don't... go.
no subject
[So he accepts the tight grip. It's paltry punishment for kicking a man when they're down. Siffrin reacts as expected. He knows them too well at this point.]
[Which is why its important for him to make things right. Hansa stares for a moment-
before he wraps his other arm around their shoulders to pull them down against him in a tight embrace. He's not even thinking of the knife, anymore.]
...I'm sorry. I won't. I won't go. Believe me or don't. But it doesn't change anything about hoe I feel. You might as well wish for water to stop being wet. Okay?
no subject
lets go of the knife. It falls on the sand and barely makes a sound.
Hansa holds him, and the only reason they know that it’s a tight embrace is because they can’t move away from him. So, trembling, they accept the hug and reciprocate it as if Hansa were going to disappear like sea foam, and bury their head in his shoulder. ]
I am a monster, Hansa.
[ A useless warning when they don’t want to let go. ]
no subject
[He doesn't need to look for the knife. Hansa simply lets Siffrin bury their head in, his own arms not faltering from holding the other close.]
[A simple, simple statement, but he means it:]
You're just Siffrin.
no subject
Siffrin, Siffrin, Siffrin. Siffrin Nolastname, because their birth family is one of the many blanks in his brain.
And as for the other one… ]
Hansa. [ A dull, tired voice. One last attempt at showing Hansa just how disgusting they are. ] I think I’m the cause of the time loops.
no subject
[Somehow he
doesn't feel surprised at all.]
...Is it because you wanted to freeze everything to protect it? So you wouldn't lose anything. Or anyone.
[Like that king.]
no subject
You and the King are no different. You two are from the same country, after all.
You're just as reproachable and disgusting as him.)
Siffrin nods. ]
I've had enough of losing things.
[ Even if it's a nightmare, it's one with the people they love. As long as they never wake up, they can stay with them forever.
Even if all it does is hurt him in the end. ]
no subject
I understand that. It's one of the most understandable human things in the world. But I have the feeling you know very well why it was wrong.
[He's just putting a hand over the back of their head, stroking through their hair.]
In the end, people aren't insects to keep pinned in a box.
no subject
(You really are the worst, aren't you? At least everyone knows what the King is doing but you don't even give your family members the blessing of knowing about it. You took that chance away from them, too.
As long as they stuck to the script, it was fine. Even if it was torture for you, it was fine, so long as you could stay with them.
Horrible. Disgusting. They'll hate you if they find out.) ]
I know that.
[ But Siffrin did it anyway. And he's not sure if he wouldn't want to do it again, if faced with the situation. ]
no subject
[That regret. That shame. That want to never hurt anyone like that ever again.]
That's the worst part, I think. Moving forward. But we have to.
[Life forces them forward. No looking back. Orpheus got the worst outcome of that, in that old myth. Hansa himself was the Chariot - he couldn't sit in the ruins of his old village and let the past grow over him like mold. Forward. Always forward.]
no subject
(You
envy Hansa's bravery. You wish you had his strength, you wish you had his confidence, you wish... you could rip those traits from him and wear it like a skin on top of your own.)
But they are themselves (whoever that is, haha!) and that means that they have to be afraid of even the idea of people moving on without them.
They pull back just slightly from the embrace, enough to look up at Hansa. His face hurts, his head hurts, it's cold, and their eye burns with tears that don't want to spill. They never do. ]
I don't want you to go either.