[ It seems like that's a feeling that only Hansa will have, between the two of them. If only they could loop somehow, then maybe this wouldn't have happened. A tear, a Sadness, hell, even their own dagger, anything that could cause them to loop back before this mess happened.
Siffrin says nothing, but they look away from Hansa and bring their knees close to their chest. ]
He's not sure what expression he's making, but he knows that their one good eye is staring at Hansa.
They can't say no. It'd be a lie if he said no. They want the touch, they want the confirmation that they're real and alive and not some ghost wandering the halls after Yuki killed them--
But the memory of Yuki taking them, all of those hands holding him in place (To what? Protect them? Hah.) is enough to leave them frozen in place and out of breath. All they can do is stare, ears pressed to the sides of his head and tail curled up around himself. ]
[ Siffrin flinches at the brush of Hansa’s hand against his arm. But this time, he remains still, arm limp like a doll’s.
(See? The two of you are like peas in a pod. Yuki was just more forward about showing their monstrous side.)
When Hansa holds his hand, Siffrin has to hold back tears as they keep their hand in place. Hansa shouldn’t touch them, no one should touch them because he’s disgusting and desperate and pathetic and—
Slowly, as if afraid that they’ll shatter into a thousand pieces if they move too fast, Siffrin’s fingers curl around Hansa’s hand to reciprocate the touch. ]
[ How long has it been since someone had held their hand? Comforted them after a difficult time?
They don’t remember. The memory of that slips through his fingers like Lynne’s ashes, forgotten like everything else. Their home, their family, their language… all of it, all of it forgotten.
Hansa squeezes his hand back, and he’ll notice that Siffrin is trembling. ]
You probably think I’m pathetic, don’t you? You don’t have to do this.
[ It takes a moment for them to think of an answer. But when they do, it's in a low mumble. ]
Maybe.
[ They realize, that they would have attacked him, if no one had held him back. What would Siffrin have felt the moment that he sank their knife into Yuki, if they had been allowed to?
They're not sure. But regardless of how right it may have felt for them at the moment, it doesn't get rid of the nausea whenever they close their eyes and see the remaining part of Reiju's head or the fact that Amaya was hurt over it. ]
They know that fact extremely well, better than anything else. They didn't need to do that, because Yuki would have been taken away anyways. It wasn't because of Reiju, because his relationship with Reiju hadn't been anything special. She talked to them once, and that was all.
It was because they thought that if they hesitated
That would repeat again.
But they can't tell Hansa this. Not yet. Hopefully not ever. ]
[Now he's exhaling, a little noise, a sliver of a laugh.]
I've done that before. Many times. You know, when I was a boy, they pulled me out of martial arts classes because they were scared I would go too far and kill my opponents without thinking. One time, I also led my classmates into the mountains, thinking I would show them how I used to live. One got seriously hurt. And there were many other instances throughout my life like that.
[He shakes his head.]
So yes. We want to do our best not to hurt those who don't deserve it. But even at our best, it happens. Does this make us bad people? It depends on how you react.
[Hansa stares at Siffrin for a moment.]
And how you react now is...not a sign of someone who's bad at all. This is what I truly believe.
[ Their eye widens in shock at the revalation. They knew that Hansa was a bit eccentric, but a past like that sounds far beyond the average amount and more… concerning.
But when Hansa assures Siffrin that they’re not a bad person, they… look away. They feel like they could cry after hearing that, either from the warmth of those words or from the shame that overcomes him immediately afterwards.
(Because you know that the things you’ve done go far beyond this new space.) ]
If I had a coin for every time I disappointed everyone, I wouldn't have enough to be rich, but I'd have enough to get a few dishes of jambalaya from my favorite restaurant. Honestly, most of those coins would be from Father Cervantes, alone.
[Somewhere, Delmio Cervantes is gritting his teeth hearing his adoptive son walked into a casino in his priest clothes.]
[Hansa gently smiles.]
Anyways. Even if you supposedly do, does it mean I don't like you? No. I would be disappointed in myself if I didn't help you back to your feet.
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[All the statements are thrown at him. He regards them coolly, and is silent for a moment.]
[And then, quietly.]
I just wanted to say that I'm just relieved you're alive.
cw suicidal ideation
Siffrin says nothing, but they look away from Hansa and bring their knees close to their chest. ]
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[Hansa watches them for a moment. He then shifts closer, closer, until he's next to them.]
[Siffrin could have died. A lot of people could have...]
Siffrin. Is it okay if I touch you?
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He's not sure what expression he's making, but he knows that their one good eye is staring at Hansa.
They can't say no. It'd be a lie if he said no. They want the touch, they want the confirmation that they're real and alive and not some ghost wandering the halls after Yuki killed them--
But the memory of Yuki taking them, all of those hands holding him in place (To what? Protect them? Hah.) is enough to leave them frozen in place and out of breath. All they can do is stare, ears pressed to the sides of his head and tail curled up around himself. ]
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[A blank look. Perhaps he should leave well enough alone. But Siffrin shouldn't be in this state.]
[They shouldn't just sit here, eaten up by their own thoughts.]
[Hansa's hand slips down to the other's arm, pulling it close, before grasping their hand lightly.]
Let's just start with this.
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[ Siffrin flinches at the brush of Hansa’s hand against his arm. But this time, he remains still, arm limp like a doll’s.
(See? The two of you are like peas in a pod. Yuki was just more forward about showing their monstrous side.)
When Hansa holds his hand, Siffrin has to hold back tears as they keep their hand in place. Hansa shouldn’t touch them, no one should touch them because he’s disgusting and desperate and pathetic and—
Slowly, as if afraid that they’ll shatter into a thousand pieces if they move too fast, Siffrin’s fingers curl around Hansa’s hand to reciprocate the touch. ]
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[There was no one for him for a while after he was left alone in the mountains. No one to comfort him, or hold him close. The village was gone.]
[Its important to have something like this, he thinks, at someone's lowest moments.]
[He squeezes the hand back.]
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They don’t remember. The memory of that slips through his fingers like Lynne’s ashes, forgotten like everything else. Their home, their family, their language… all of it, all of it forgotten.
Hansa squeezes his hand back, and he’ll notice that Siffrin is trembling. ]
You probably think I’m pathetic, don’t you? You don’t have to do this.
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[He is sincere in that, keeping his hand steady even with the hand trembling in its grip.]
Not anyone would have made a move you did. Sure, it was foolish, too, and you sure made us all worry, but I don't see you as pathetic for it.
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Siffrin grits their teeth, forcing himself to take a deep breath. The trembling stops, but the look on Siffrin's face is one of deep shame. ]
I don't think...I did it to avenge Reiju. So don't praise me.
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[Not accusatory.]
[Just curious.]
Were you scared?
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[ (Yes you do.) ]
My mind went blank.
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Did it feel right in the moment, to try to attack him?
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Maybe.
[ They realize, that they would have attacked him, if no one had held him back. What would Siffrin have felt the moment that he sank their knife into Yuki, if they had been allowed to?
They're not sure. But regardless of how right it may have felt for them at the moment, it doesn't get rid of the nausea whenever they close their eyes and see the remaining part of Reiju's head or the fact that Amaya was hurt over it. ]
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[They must have been angry.]
[Or maybe they didn't feel anything at all. It's not like he has an in on what Siffrin thinks. But at least, he can guess.]
I suppose you saw it as necessary. Because of what he did to Reiju.
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They know that fact extremely well, better than anything else. They didn't need to do that, because Yuki would have been taken away anyways. It wasn't because of Reiju, because his relationship with Reiju hadn't been anything special. She talked to them once, and that was all.
It was because they thought that if they hesitated
That would repeat again.
But they can't tell Hansa this. Not yet. Hopefully not ever. ]
I guess.
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["I guess" isn't confirmation.]
[A little sigh, but he doesn't want to be pushy.]
Regardless. For whatever reason...it looks like you're eating yourself up over it, anyways.
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[ They try to wrench their hand out of the priest’s hold, his apathy broken like shattered glass. ]
I HURT AMAYA! HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BE OKAY WITH THAT!? HOW MUCH OF A BLINDING FOOL ARE YOU!?
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[He winces as the other pulls away, and of course - that's what it was. He was so focused on what brought them to go forward in the first place, and-]
Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry.
[He is. He holds up his hands, before letting them fall back down, helplessly.]
Everything happened so fast. [It was all so so fast.] I didn't...no. Of course. You didn't mean to. It wasn't like you wanted to. I would...
[...]
I would feel the same way.
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But they can't ask for that kindness again. Not when he just broke it. How much more will he ruin today? Until he goes home? ]
But you wouldn't have done that in the first place. You wouldn't have hurt anyone who didn't deserve it.
[ Because even now, they feel that Yuki deserved it. ]
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[Now he's exhaling, a little noise, a sliver of a laugh.]
I've done that before. Many times. You know, when I was a boy, they pulled me out of martial arts classes because they were scared I would go too far and kill my opponents without thinking. One time, I also led my classmates into the mountains, thinking I would show them how I used to live. One got seriously hurt. And there were many other instances throughout my life like that.
[He shakes his head.]
So yes. We want to do our best not to hurt those who don't deserve it. But even at our best, it happens. Does this make us bad people? It depends on how you react.
[Hansa stares at Siffrin for a moment.]
And how you react now is...not a sign of someone who's bad at all. This is what I truly believe.
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[ Their eye widens in shock at the revalation. They knew that Hansa was a bit eccentric, but a past like that sounds far beyond the average amount and more… concerning.
But when Hansa assures Siffrin that they’re not a bad person, they… look away. They feel like they could cry after hearing that, either from the warmth of those words or from the shame that overcomes him immediately afterwards.
(Because you know that the things you’ve done go far beyond this new space.) ]
I might… end up disappointing you.
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[Somewhere, Delmio Cervantes is gritting his teeth hearing his adoptive son walked into a casino in his priest clothes.]
[Hansa gently smiles.]
Anyways. Even if you supposedly do, does it mean I don't like you? No. I would be disappointed in myself if I didn't help you back to your feet.
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Though with a sob story like their own, who wouldn’t pity them? Hah!
Better to change the subject. ]
Father Cervantes… is that your dad?
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[Absolutely.]
Do you have family back home, Siffrin?
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i ROLLED A ONE
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