robopriest | PC WITH ANAXAGORAS

Look at us, saying this like tomorrow, we won't be here anymore.

[Like this is final, the last meeting before they dive over the cliff. It makes him nervous, but in a different way this time. Anaxagoras told him that at home, there was a finality waiting for him.]

[If they get out of here, then this will be the last time he will see the man.]

[His eyes slide away for a moment, the expression on his face more pensive.]

I don't want to think about that.

[ Anaxagoras sits there in stark silence, still staring at him, expression sobering as he takes in the way Hansa turns his head away from him.

There are a thousand thoughts running through his head, even as he is ever more certain of the emotion that rests inside of him whenever he gazes upon him.

But, with Hansa speaking the words he does, he sees reality again. Even if he has no illusions that he truly felt what he did, he really can't forget what awaits himself, and then there is issue of who he is. He wonders, in retrospect, if he should have been a bit more reserved.

Regardless, he stares at him and asks: ]

...Is that how you saw it?

No, but...

[It's a direct question. He feels like what he was saying to prompt it was said lightly before - because the words feel so heavy, in all the right and wrong ways. A spark of connection, and then the wave of reality that feels like a storm cloud over their heads. And he, himself, feeling like he's caught between two worlds. His responsibility and faith on one hand. His recklessness and pure humanity on the other.]

[And like a child, he's drawing his knees up to himself, nestling his face a little against them with his heart beating fretfully in his chest. Fighting vampires is easier than this.]

[The urge to push him away. The urge to hold him close.]

[His voice is quiet.]

...As a priest, we cannot have relationships. We are devoted to the Lord. So really, I joke around, but I have always known that. And honestly, it's never been an issue.

[It never has been, until...]

I like you so much, Professor. I've never felt this way before. So I don't know what to tell you.

[...]

I don't know what to do.

[He shouldn't. It's not allowed. Anaxagoras has a finale, an ending, anyways. This wouldn't work out.]

[ There is a part of him that is hollow and empty. The part of him that is resigned to his own ending - that accepts deep down he won't have his own personal happiness, and that only seeking the truth, and momentarily indulgences can fill the empty space.

Because of that emptiness, his own want is limitless. Yet he did not reach for it, for anything other than the truth, or his minor preoccupations. Still... ]

How ironic. By you saying this, I have to come clean as well.

...I started to think that it would be alright telling you the things I did now, since my future was already uncertain. That I didn't have to cross the line in the first place.

But, now that you told me this, that you feel the same...

[ Both of them have their own barriers. Hansa's faith, Anaxagoras' fate. They can simply bow their heads and give into it. Admit that they have feelings that can never be properly acted on. But, something about it doesn't sit right with him. He thinks he could have done it, if Hansa had not said anything.

If he hadn't looked him in the eye, at that time in the cafeteria, the anguished emotion breaking into the part of him that had been broken and hid from the surface, the shameful excitement that flickered at the tone as well. If they hadn't fooled around stupidly in that week. If he hadn't seen Hansa's life flash before his own eyes and felt indescribable things. That's why he... ]

[ ...he falters. What is he thinking?

He can't just impose something so unreasonable on someone else. Anaxagoras isn't really an inherently selfish person. He could ask Phainon what he truly desired, he could guide Hyacine or Castorice, he could even engage Mydei as well, associate himself willingly with the Nameless, or involve himself in nonsense. Perhaps even take a lax teaching schedule at times.

But, this is different.

Even if Hansa wished to accept him by his side for whatever reason, he doubts he could be the perfect partner. He doubts he could be what he needs.

Even if he's not really someone who keeps to the status quo...perhaps, this time that is for the best. He looks away from Hansa, he looks down. ]

Ahahaha...I don’t want to let go.

[ Ah, what is he saying? Anaxagoras had just reasoned that he couldn't, that this went beyond just himself now. This wasn't about illuminating anything for anyone.

His gaze is searing on Hansa now, intense, and focused; head raised, looking at him where he's curled up, hiding his face. He feels that emotion too; the desire to hide away from the world, like when he was five, and lost everything. But, he knows what other way he's acted when he's lost it all as well. ]

Thus, in light of this revelation, I ask this:

Is it really turning your back on your faith if you express affection and subsequently enter into relationships? [ Then, for that hollow shell of himself who is quietly questioning the same Hansa is (I don't know what to do): ] Is it a fact that there is no sense in looking towards a future even if it appears set?

[ ...No, he remembers, he remembers...he still accepted his own fate, true (he's entrapped, though is there a path forward he cannot see?) And, he did not see Phainon as just a Deliverer. He did not see the man as one who stood on a pedestal and that alone.

Ergo, why would he do the same to Hansa? He can't force his hand. But, he can only have him gaze upon a potential truth that lies before his very eyes. So, just like that, Anaxagoras spreads his arms. ]

Yes, does that matter? Do we have to accept things as they are? Why can’t we think of exploring, with what time we know we have, and seeing where it takes us?

Is it truly reasonable for us to hold back? Is it? So, tell me...what do you think, Hansa?

...Of the Blasphemer Anaxagoras that would dare turn apparent truths on their own head to reveal what's truly laid inside?

[ Anaxagoras asks in a tone that is suddenly intense, so one might think that he feels no shame at all. But, right now he is the most afraid of all. It’s alright, he tells himself, he is prepared for anything, as his hands tremble, his heart even pounding.

At some point he's even rose to his feet, and he's barely realized it. But, unceremoniously, he's laid the decision at Hansa's feet, whatever it may be. ]

[Anaxagoras is like this - he has a strength behind him, convictions that he could throw against god like he could win over Him in an battle of the minds. It's part of why he was drawn to the man in the first place - he may have a body of metal, but this man has a mind of steel.]

[He raises his head, meets that blinding gaze. It's like staring at the sun. Something liable to warm him and burn him up all this time.]

[His mouth feels dry, suddenly. In all matters, he's confident and cool and smooth and everything always comes up Hansa Cervantes, in the end.]

[But this feels like a challenge. Cards thrown on the table. Look in the shadows, stare the actual truth in the face. His own breath feels shaky, as he exhales, tries to regain his composure.]

Anaxagoras. What I have devoted to God is absolute. To enter an official relationship is akin to putting someone before Him. To have you, I would...have to step down as a priest. Leave the Church.

[It's not as simple as to throw it all away, pretend like this, this isn't technically "temptation" in its sincerest form.]

[Hansa heaves a sigh, rolling a hand over his face up through his hair, a million thoughts feeling like they're careening through his brain.]

[Inhale, exhale.]

[And then, after a moment, his chest heaves........with a little chuckle, a little laugh. A bubbly thing.]

Ah, but you know, I... [And he's peering up at Anaxagoras, brilliant, damnable Anaxagoras, unable to keep a smile from crawling onto his face.] If you call it "exploring". Just that, and that alone. If only for here and now. I can't promise anything. I can't. If that's not enough for you, then it is...what it is.

[There will be no definition. There can be no certainty. It's not something solid, and honestly, even suggesting it feels nerve-wracking, but...]

[It wouldn't be a solid no, either.]

[ Anaxagoras feels trepidation despite his boldness in laying out all his cards on the table, so to speak. There is nothing more frightening in doing so when he is also baring himself without restraint, but this time for a more personal matter. It's ironic, that for outward reasons he can find himself able to be more comfortable in being bold.

Even if he personally never wishes to flinch from anything that is ... well, certainly challenging. Yet, when Hansa looks at him, says those words, his heart is beating so hard, he prepares himself not for simply flat out rejection - that he might have stepped too far.

But, it is neither of those things, Hansa reveals first with that laugh (it has no business making his heart leap like that!) He also sees that brilliant smile open in his direction, and then...the answer arrives. ]

Is it strange if I say that I find it reasonable?

...I already knew despite the things I said that anything would be a stretch, considering your own circumstances.

And...my own.

[ Yet, he did it any damn way. ]

I already know that I couldn't guarantee anything beyond the end of this, even if I have decided I wouldn't give up. So, whatever this is between us - it doesn't have to have a name. It doesn't have to have a proper shape or form.

...But, it means something to the both of us, doesn't it?

[ At this moment, Anaxagoras' eye creases, with a twinkle of evident happiness. Even if, thinking about it, in regards to this, he has admittedly no idea what he is doing. But...it's the same for Hansa, right? ]

[No, there's no guarantee. They might as well part ways when all is said and done. But that's freeing, in a way. Here, where there's no oversight. Where they can simply have this moment of connection, for as long as it may last.]

[Hansa moves up to his feet, now, to join the man. There is no name for this. He can't slap a label on it and be done with it.]

[From the beginning, he said he liked the man. That will always be true, no matter what.]

[It means something. It's up to them what it means.]

[He reaches out, arms surrounding the man to pull him close.]

It does. [And now, that wolfish grin is back.] And I guess this means I know you like it when I tease you. You're really giving me too much ammunition.

[ It does feel freeing. Anaxagoras hasn't realized how...trapped he himself has felt - for as much as he had more or less reached out to others to ensure that they weren't, he was much the same all along.

Perhaps it will crumble in a various number of ways, perhaps disaster will literally rend them apart.

But, finally, he can let someone hold him. It's warm...

And Hansa is opening his mouth. Yes, he's right. He likes it when he speaks nonsense and teases him so. ]

Tsk. Now you're getting a bit too presumptuous, hm?

[ Anaxagoras asks this in a tone that leans towards an "apparent" kind of reproach...and yet, he leans into him just the same, treasuring that warmth. He feels himself start to learn and test what it is like to lay in someone's arms, relax. ]

Just be aware, if it seems like you have a deluge of ammunition, I may find a way to reflect it back onto you. Are you certain you can handle that?

[It is so, so warm. He isn't used to this. It's freeing, but also...something deep inside of him is nervous, all the same. They may not be professing love or making out, but even this embrace, even this, is already taking a step over the line. He shouldn't be doing this. His faith does not want him to do this.]

[...But in this moment, he wants to. In the end, this is an embrace. He's holding the man close, and he feels happy. Happy in ways he never felt before.]

[He laughs a little, tucking his head against the other's. He won't let him go.]

I suppose I'll just have to tolerate it. I'm a strong guy. A few words won't blow me over.

[ Anaxagoras in the meanwhile is basking in this warmth like a flower that has found the simple joys of the soft rays of light hitting every single little petal after being underneath the shade.

He believes his time is still bound to be limited, in all of the senses, so he has to take whatever he can get while it's still possible. One eye slides even closed for a moment.

Just like this, he can even feel Hansa's head against his, and ... there's a little smile as if their situation is in the distance, despite that it has not stopped being what it is. ]

Hmm...

Yes, you wouldn't get blown over so easily. But, what about being tripped up? Can you tolerate that?

Ooh, tripped up.

[He's swaying them side to side, now. A little movement, to and fro. He doesn't think the man is a dancer, and in times like this, dancing is probably the last thing on anyone's mind.]

[He chuckles, his own eye closed. He wants to take it in. Feel the way the man is so warmly held in his grasp.]

That depends if you could do it. Maybe you'll never succeed.

[ Dancing is indeed one of the last things on Anaxagoras' mind, but the thing about actions is that they can invoke what seems so far away straight to the forefront. He slips one hand carefully and slowly so that it can rest against the other man's back as he feels guided into a sort of slow motion.

Similar to a dance, but not quite. ]

...I believe if anyone could do it, it'd be myself.

In fact, by you saying that 'I may never succeed', you do realize that only serves as further motivation?

[ It's a comfortable back and forth that seems to match their rhythm, carefree for however that may last. ]

Wow. I don't know if you have arrogance or just plain foolishness.

[The tit for tat is familiar, and welcome. Hansa sighs as the hand slips across to his back, and he continues rocking them both, side to side. It matches their conversation, so light even with all the feelings inlaid in the moment.]

I admit. I'd like to see you try.

[He'd always like to see him try.]

Besides. I get more attention from you...that's a good day for me.

[ That sigh given in an exhale sounds like a peaceful note; a pleasant sound to his ears, which makes that warm sensation continue to rise in his chest once more. ]

Hmm...it's rare someone ever called myself arrogant, recently. Although, foolish was far more common.

[ Anaxagoras the Foolish, was one of the few derogatory monikers used when referring to himself. Though, despite him saying these words, he doesn't sound bitter - his tone sounds exactly in that snug spot of snarky with traces of slight amusement. ]

I'll be glad to make myself certain to turn each day I can into exactly that. Of course, I know I'll have to be realistic...but, you know me well by now, don't you?

There isn't much that can stop myself from succeeding when I put my mind to it. You've seen it time and time again, haven't you?

[ Okay...maybe that was a bit more arrogant. ]

I think you can be a little bit of both.

[And that's why he liked him, from the start. There was something so similar, in how they approached the world. No man could stand in their way. They were like freight trains, speeding through any obstacle to their destination.]

[His hand slips upwards, starting to thread through that vibrant green hair.]

I have seen it. And I know nothing can stop you. Not even me. [His face dips, mouth held near his ear as he quietly admits, like a secret.] But I will try to get you, too. Because you like the attention, too. And I want to spoil you rotten.

[ Perhaps that's what indeed helped bring them closer together - despite the differences in their demeanors, their minds functioned similar.

Feeling those fingers thread through his hair is a surprise. Pleasant. Much the same way he speaks so close, yet so quietly, near one ear; enough to have him take a sharp intake of breath.

Then, he lets out a little, almost breathless laugh, slipping that other hand around the other man to complete a proper embrace in return. ]

Hansa...tsk, you know you're right. But if you spoil me, I'll greedily soak it all up.

Perhaps partly because I can't say I really know what it's like to be pampered so much. And because it's you.

[ It's embarrassing admitting he does like the idea. He's glad his face is currently where it is, because he doesn't know how to look at Hansa, while being so delighted, his heart pounding fiercely.

Just as Hansa is ready to readily to shower him in so much attention and affection, he wants to - will - do the very same. ]

Because it's me?

[He, too, lets out a little hiccup of a laugh. Everything feels like little butterflies are under his skin, making him feel nervous and bubbly all at once. For someone who dishes out flirting, he's way too sensitive to something like this.]

[His ears are heated -he's trying to ignore them as much as he can.]

Wow. [He doesn't know what to say, just resting his head against him again, giving his frame a little squeeze.] You really know how to flatter a man. I really...don't have the words. Hehe. You take them out of me, sometimes.

[ Is it because they have the opportunity to explore the parts of themselves yet to be revealed?

His smile turns joyful, soft. A delightful small sound escaping him after the squeeze that he would say is a natural logical reaction to mildly pleasant outside stimuli, the feel of brightness; a rare spot of lightweightedness. ]

Now you know how I felt at times, being around you.

Perhaps it is a little payback, as well.

[ A slight tease. ]

...To be honest, if payback is like this, you'll make me into a puddle.

[But somehow he doesn't mind. There's something about the expectation, of seeing what the man will throw at him next. It's exciting. He wants nothing but it all the time.]

[The noise Anaxa makes only makes his heart flutter, a nervous little butterfly.]

From the moment I met you I felt you were special.

A puddle, is it? I wonder, you've already shown me such a rare side...I can only be even more naturally curious to see what you would look like then. It'd be a worthy pursuit of a piece of precious knowledge.

[ Anaxagoras tries to imagine Hansa turning into a silly little puddle from affection, and he lets out a light laugh. The imagery is something he wants to continue to imagine in his mind's eye.

He shifts his head, opening one eye to glance at where Hansa has settled his head beside him. ]

However, you state that, but then you dare utter words saying 'I was special' from the very first meeting. Tsk, are you trying to melt my heart before I can do so to you?

[...]

[That is absolutely a dusting of pink over his cheeks, now, even as much as he's keeping his voice as level as possible. A piece of precious knowledge. Christ.]

Maaaaaaaybe? Hehe...you know me. I hit first and I hit hard.

[help him]

[ Is that some pink he sees. A cute blush from Hansa...ah, he is starting to enjoy this even more.

His one eye narrows in clear glee, and his tone shifts to match. ]

Hmm...I certainly do.

Though, I see it may be that I have the chance of hitting even swifter than you do.

PC WITH ANAXAGORAS

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3/3 for real, im gomen for your inbox

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